Posted by: PharaohKatt | 02-11-2012

3 Reasons Why Reading Cracked Is Bad For Your Health

This year I am doing NaBloPoMo instead of NaNoWriMo. This is the first of hopefully 30 posts, which will range from funny to serious, and everything in between.

Every day, I and billions of other people visit a small, relatively unknown website called Cracked.com. I’m here to tell you that despite it’s obvious appeal, reading Cracked is bad for your health. How bad? I’ll let you decide.

 

#3: You won’t get any sleep.

I’m sure you all remember this strip from XKCD. In case you can’t be bothered to click that link, it’s a strip where Cueball is stuck endlessly reading TV Tropes, a site known for it’s ability to suck people into a world of never ending browser tabs.


It’s like a black hole inside a vacuum cleaner inside a Michael Bay film.

Cracked is like that, but thousands of times worse. At the end of each article are five other articles “Recommended For Your Pleasure”. If this wasn’t bad enough, they sometimes link to articles from inside other articles!


Yo dawg, I heard you like articles…

Unlike TV Tropes, each page is full of interesting and disgusting factoids in easy-to-read list form. You will click on link after link after link until, before you know it, five hours have passed. In fact, it’s been an hour since I started writing this post! Thanks Cracked.

But how is this bad for your health?
Sleep. That thing you should be doing each night while you’re up reading Cracked articles. Studies have shown that sleep deprivation can lead to early death. Our brains need that time to recharge, fix itself, and process information. Not only that, but thousands of road deaths every year are caused by sleep deprivation. It’s serious stuff.

 

#2: Your Friends Will Turn On You

Remember all those interesting and disgusting factoids I mentioned earlier? They will stick in your brain like a leech. Like some sort of weird, extra-sticky brain leech.


Ew.

What to do about those slimy tidbits threatening to burst from your skull like a chest-burster in your head? Unless you have a burning desire to attend quiz shows every night from now until you die then there isn’t much you can do.

Except share them with every person you know!


It’ll be better than 1000 Christmas presents!

But how is this bad for your health?

Remember that guy who went on and on about how dinosaurs were birds after watching Jurassic Park III? That’s you right now. With every new piece of useless information you relay to your friends, another imaginary hammer gets lodged into your skull.


I’m looking at you, Eric!

Truth is, your friends don’t care that language can effect your perception of colour, or that in 1883 an island in Indonesia exploded so loudly that it could be heard in Perth. No really, they don’t care. Right now you’re the annoying kid in class who always has his hand up to answer questions that the teacher didn’t even ask.

And they will retaliate. Violently.

 

#1: You Will Turn Into A Neurotic, Germ-phobic Hermit

Do you remember that article about six things dirtier than a toilet? Of course you do. You also remember the articles about five and six diseases that science can’t explain. And who could forget the six things your body does every day that can kill you? I sure as hell can’t!


And neither can he

But how is this bad for your health?
That should be pretty obvious. It’s pretty hard to go about your daily life when you’re worried about all the diseases money can carry. In no time at all you’ll be washing your hands in alcohol every other minute and putting disinfectant in your washing machine.

Oh, and that headache you have? That’s clearly your body trying to eat your brain.

But don’t worry; you won’t have any friends left to mourn you after you’re gone.

This has been written in the style of a Cracked article. Hopefully the Cracked staff won’t find it and decide to sue. Also I have been up far too late finishing this and should probably go to bed right about now.

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